


Tout Ira Bien

by iamAley



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Character Death, M/M, Zayn Malik & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, larry - Freeform, zouis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:48:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23648737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamAley/pseuds/iamAley
Summary: Louis questions his love for Zayn, but Zayn is struggling with bigger problems. Will they be able to solve their problems or will everything get worse?
Relationships: Zouis - Relationship
Kudos: 11





	Tout Ira Bien

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! It's my first time here and also, it's my first English fanfiction. It was Turkish and I translated it, so there may be mistakes. Please, don't mind them. Thank you for reading!

What would you do when you realized that you had lost your interest in someone who slept in your arms, wore around for hours, and took care of everything for him? Would you say it to him and leave him, or would you turn into a fake one so as not to upset him?

I tried both ways.

At first, I thought that this situation would improve and I threw everything inside. I always smiled at his face while crying behind closed doors. He did not deserve to be sad and I did not deserve it.

He looked at me for a few days and plunged into my eyes and asked if there was a problem. I said that everything was fine and I tried to make the situation go by getting a bit of a wave, but things were never as easy as they seemed.

We both had problems hiding from each other, but no one was taking steps to talk about them. I knew his inside, I had memorized his every move. How could I not have understood him? Obviously, I was wrong when I thought I knew everything or that I was a good liar.

I was awake on a Sunday morning to face him. My heart was still beating fast while in his arms and I could not come to myself all day long if I did not wake up with his kiss in the morning.

God, what kind of punishment was this? I was thinking about how I could not do without it and how I could do without it? Was it because of the pressure on us, or was it wrong to be with my best friend? Did we make a mistake?

Anyway. As I sat at the breakfast table and saturate my stomach, most of them could not stop the love that was fueled inside me while I was watching it. His dark skin was shining so beautifully under the light of the sun! I couldn't take my eyes off him for a moment. His honey foam eyes glowed as he stared at me, but there was a problem and it wasn't getting better.

My eyes got stuck in his body and I realised that his sweatpants were so big for him. I haven't seen him naked for a long time. When I touched it, I thought I was wrong. As my darling collapsed day by day, I did not think of him once by questioning my love for him.

“Are you okay?” I asked. First, he left the fork slowly on his plate, and then he looked up and said, “Why not?” Yes, you are right. We were both totally absurd. It was as if we were two stupid kids, not big guys.

Unfortunately, we were both grown up, but we couldn't even sit and talk about our problems. Everything was a mess. He looked at me for a while, I could not speak. God, I didn't even have a word in my mouth. What was I going to ask him?

Hey, Zayn! Why don't you eat, why can't you sleep, why are you like this? Do you think I don't know you are taking your antidepressant in pairs anymore? Is everything okay? Are you hiding something from me? Did someone hurt you or am I not good for you? Don't you love me anymore, do you want to leave?

I swallowed the questions in my mind, and I did the same thing that the tears had came to my eyes. He slid his hand over the table, grabbed and clenched my hand without a cigarette. “These could be the last weeks we've had, Louis. Maybe in the last days, I don't know. ”

Okay, I must admit that I thought he was kidding me and I laughed. “You don't even have to say that you decided to release your album!” I squeaked. He told me this was no such thing and gave a painful smile.

“I’m cancer, pancreatic cancer, and the final stage. Antidepressants and painkillers to relieve my pain only. It is not certain when it will happen, there is no solution.” And here, the ropes broke. I looked at his face, then his eyes and then my smile faded. Well, it wasn't 1 April today. There was no hole left to escape. Here, this was not very good. It was not good at all.

My eyes were full with tears, I felt my lips trembling, but the disaster came at a time I never expected. Zayn pulled me to his tired and weak chest, wrapped his thin arms around me. At that moment, I started crying insanely. God, I would never see Zayn serious. Why did you make him serious when he said he was going to die? I wasn't ready, God.

“I'm sorry, I should have said it before, but I couldn't. Every time I looked at your face, I realized that I did not want to upset you more. I know it's not easy to be with someone like me.” I silenced him at that moment. I was the stupid thinker so far. While I thought I lost interest in him, I never noticed that I lost him.

"Don’t talk. I have to talk. I said I wanted to leave you, you accepted. I turned to you and you opened your arms again. When I said Harry kissed me, you stroked my cheek and said it wasn't my fault. All of this,” At this moment my hiccups cut my words. I swallowed my breath, coughed. The pain was so great that the air in my lungs was not enough. It was as if my blood was literally withdrawn.

"Louis," he said. I shook my head, silenced him again. In a relationship, there would always be the logical thinker, and he was Zayn. He had always taken it from the bottom, guarded me and filled it with love. I was stupid. I have never been able to give his the value she deserves and deserves. I understood all this when he was about to lose him.

What is it funny?

This is not a question.

After my crying, he finally told me all that was. He went to the hospital because of the pain, he learnt that he have cancer, and they say they can't do anything. This boy has billions and doctors cannot help him. It's a tragic story, quite.

Most people said we could open every door with our money. My God? How about giving my boyfriend’s soul for a billion dollars? Oh no? Okay. It should be how it should be, you are right.

Here I am at a turn where my money is the same value as a toilet paper. I couldn't save him, I couldn't help him. All I could do was take him to the painkillers box. Oh how great I was!

He got worse eight days after telling me that he was dying.

He had asked me to read sections of his favorite book while lying in our bed. Zayn was not a person who reads many books, he did not like to read, but there was a book that especially liked it. It was a short book about a girl in a mental hospital.

His head was on my chest and his eyes were closed. He looked so peaceful and happy. I would even watch his lashes for hours, he was my beauty queen. He muttered me angrily while watching that smile that wasn't missing from his face. I was distracted to watch him and forgot the book.

“...In short, Doctor Igor, I feel the rain on my face, I smile at any man I like, I want to accept the suggestion of everyone who wants to buy a coffee. Then I kiss my mother, say that I love her, cry at the bottom of the series without embarrassing to reveal my feelings… Emotions always existed but they had to hide…

I really want to give myself to a man, and then to the city where I live, to life and finally to death... ”

My brunette angel fell asleep on my chest. He was breathing calmly. I wish I had stopped time and left us to eternity. If I lived his by holding his hands. If I make love by looking into his eyes, then I would be trapped in his body. If I stopped drinking water, eating, and just attached to it.

Time did not stop. While the hour and minute hands of the clock on the table turned, I kept quietly watching my lover. It started with tiny moans at first. I thought he had a nightmare, but when he opened his eyes, it was more than a painful nightmare. He didn't have a crew to lift his arm, but the first thing he did was holding my hand.

"Louis," he said. I was frozen. I was holding his hand, watching his cry and just looking at him. Once again, I was looking for an ambulance wrapped in my phone when he moaned in pain. I don't even remember how I found my voice and spoke.

"I'll die, let me spend my last hours with you," he said. I wiped his tears and laughed at him with a half mouth. I held his hand tightly and said, "I'm not leaving you, don't worry." I was counting. He was afraid that I would go and die alone. This could not be true. It was a dream, it had to be a dream.

I was also losing myself trying to power him. Even when the blue lights of the ambulance were filled in the room, I looked into his eyes and said that everything would be fine. It was time to go when they hit the door. "Let go, I don't want to go to the hospital," he said when I hugged him. Then I learned from the news that I ran to the ambulance and shouted, "Save him," as much as my adolescent came out.

I was always with him. Zayn was telling me to stay with him even if he did not have any strength. They understood the seriousness of the situation, I would stay with Zayn, but how? I was devastated. I used to be a child, and I didn't think I was ready to lose someone I loved in front of my eyes.

Zayn smiled slightly at me, really slightly. I smiled at him. Even when we arrived at the hospital, I was smiling at him and holding his hand tightly. I'm here and I won't let you go anywhere, I was telling him. He knew this even though I did not say it out loud, but could not hear me because of the pain.

I couldn't leave it.

I even entered the operating room with him and continued to hold his hand. Everyone was here, the people were full, but all I could see was the bitter smile on Zayn's face. How was he beautiful even when he was dying?

His condition was stabilized. I have no idea how they did it, I was just a boy in love. He was taken to the intensive care room. I never got up from his side. I wouldn't have guessed that even heartbeats would make me so happy.

Teak, teak, teak... My love’s exhausted, tired heartbeats filled the room. Even that made me smile. Tell me, Zayn, how could you make me smile like a fool, even in the arms of death?

We slept a little together. Don't blame me, I was so down. I didn't realize I fell asleep, but I quickly woke up. He was still asleep. Liam brought the book because I requested it. I wanted to read some pages for him, maybe because he was getting bored asleep.

“Being crazy means being unable to convey thoughts. It is as if you are in a foreign country, you see and understand everything that is happening in the environment, but you are desperate to tell what you want, and therefore to find help because you don't know and understand the language spoken there.

We're all crazy in one way or another. ”

We were. I put the book aside to watch my boyfriend. He wasn't looking at me, not smiling. I didn't mean, but he lay like dead. I thought the beats were enough, but not enough.

Being alive is not important. To look alive is important. My beautiful love, why were you leaving me? We haven't seen anything with you yet. There were so many places we could see and live! How could you go?

His hand was cold. Your hand was so cold, Zayn. My love, why were you so cold? Wouldn't you always warm me while you hug and sleep at night? Why had I been warming you, now? It wasn't that I was complaining, it was just a little upsetting me.

I tried to be strong, I really worked, but it was not easy to see it that way. Believe me, it was even worse than anxiety crises. I would have done it without thinking if I knew there was a way to bring it back, that is, to take off the respirator and run it here like a child.

I was not a child, but I was still hoping that a fairy would come and save him. Losing someone was worse than losing. He stood in front of your eyes, his heart was beating, but he would die. The harder it was to imagine, the harder it was to live.

We spent some time side by side. He slept, and I took his hand and watched him. The nurse who came to the room told me that I had to go out and get air, I tried to smile gently, but why should fresh air benefit me if fresh air doesn't help him? When he couldn't breathe on his own, would I also go and get fresh air?

Don't worry, darling, I've always stood by you. I never got up because I thought that when you woke up, you wouldn't see me and be scared. I always held his hand. They brought food, I think Liam came sometime, but I wasn't hungry. Even if you could get out of the ICU, you wouldn't be able to eat, why should I eat?

We did not stop very much. At the end of a day, he moved his fingers in my palm. I don't know how fast I pressed the nurse button, but I pressed it fast. When the nurse came, he was trying to open his eyes. My stubborn lover was stubborn even against death.

He could recover after a few hours, but don't worry, I was always there. The boys came to us one by one and looked at him, he could not speak much, but it was enough for them to see him. When we were together, Zayn was still tired, but now he could look at me with love.

"Why did you bring me here?" he said to me. I caressed his hand and smiled in pain. "Would you let me die without fighting?" I said to him. He was going to say it wasn't the same, but I leaned down and put a kiss on his lips to silence him.

It was the same thing.

We talked a little, mostly I talked, but Zayn did not want or tried not to make him say, but he said his wishes. It was supposed to be worse. Hey! I am dying and there are things I want you to do, or rather, things I cannot do. Please do it because I will die but you will live.

Okay, it wasn't exactly like that, but that was all I understood.

“I want you to donate all your income to cancer patients when you release my album,” he said with difficulty. This was the most wanted of a few requests. The heart of my lover was always beautiful. Did he have to die for that, my God?

“Zayn, if you don't tire yourself baby anymore. Please, we can talk about them tomorrow. Get some sleep, it's good. You're tired. You have been trying to speak constantly since you woke up.” There was a fine smile on his face, he shook his head slightly.

"We both know that there will be no such thing as tomorrow," I swallowed aloud when he said. It would be, but I couldn't deny it. I could not say that you will be fine, you will be alright. Maybe I was missing my love by my hands because I couldn't say that.

On the morning of the second day in the hospital, Zayn was a little better. Blood came to his face, his pallor was gone. He almost came with joy. He pricked himself and drank deep water when I gave his the glass. He made jokes with boys and laughed. I was praying that I wouldn't have what I was thinking of, but when was my prayer accepted and now it would be accepted?

"The air looks beautiful, should we go out?" he said, looking at me. I smiled and said, “Okay,” and brought a wheelchair quickly. I was trying to stay strong, but we were going on the high-speed train, soon there was a bend and our belts were not fastened. We were going to crash very badly.

We went down to the garden. People were full, there was life. I was pushing Zayn calmly. The boys also went to eat. “Louis,” he said at first, then took my hand, as usual. “I want to say once again that I love you. I love you with everything. Please, don't give up life after me. Is it okay?"

A tip for you: Never say no to a dying person.

“I will continue my life, darling. Shouldn't we think about that anymore, huh? Oh, look, a daisy. I am sure it will look great on you.” I quickly bent down and picked the chamomile and placed it to Zayn's ear. I took the picture without waiting. He was still very beautiful.

We laughed, watched nature and kissed a little. In the fall, like the storm following the warm weather, this happiness was the harbinger of our unhappiness. When he got out of his room and lay down, he asked me to hold his hand. I held his hand tightly without refusing. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath. I put my head on his pillow. "I love you," he said to me. I pressed my teeth together, a hiccup broke off my lips. "Don't cry, I'll be sorry if you cry." I couldn't say anything that at that moment, if I talked, I would lose myself.

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and smiled. "I am not crying, I am not crying." He took my hand to his lips and put a kiss. "Everything will be fine, just let me." When he said this, I actually had not to understand something, but I understood.

I only confirmed with my head as the tears slowly flowed from my eyes. I held his hand tight and I was looking into his tired eyes. “I love you very much, I love you more than anything else. I will always love, Zayn. I will always love. Be very happy where you go, okay? ” He smiled at me with full force.

At first, the heart rate accelerated.

A few seconds later nurses and doctors entered the room. I didn't understand what happened. I was watching the incident, I was there, but I could not understand what was going on. Then that shrill sound was heard. Zayn's hand grip relaxed. They tried cardiac massage, it did not work.

The only thing I could hear as I cried madly in the corner was “22.44” I was crying, I was crying infinitely. I couldn't do anything, I wish I could.

There were no heartbeats, no breathing sounds. There were two bodies in the hospital room, but only one's heart was beating. I wish I should have been instead him, I should have been the one who is not beating the heart right now. It wasn't me who deserved to live, it was him.

I hugged him and cried until they came to take the body. When they asked me to quit him, I resisted them. I promised him, I couldn't quit, but I had to quit. Darling, they separated us. Believe me, I did not leave you.

It has been a few weeks since he died and left me. I did not count, I did not want to count. At first, there were days when I called out in the house and got angry when I didn't get an answer. When I realized that he was no longer, I crashed to the ground and cried.

Nowadays, the boys are challenging me. They force everything. It's not easy for them, I know, but I'm the one who in love. Everything is very difficult, but nothing is as difficult as getting used to its absence.

_Getting used to your absence is worse than your absence, darling._

**_“I will create a world without you from you. The world will stop, but you will not. Time will run out, but you will not. One day, all the flowers will fade, the stars will not shine and the sun will never rise. But you will not fade, you will not fade. I'm taking you out of the matter. I open the doors of immortality to you. Do not you understand?"_ **   
**_Ümit Yaşar Oğuzcan_ **


End file.
